Losing a child has always been at the top of my “unimaginable” list. I couldn’t comprehend what it would feel like, nor the type of strength it would take to make it through. I even frequently said, “I don’t think that will happen to me because God knows I couldn’t handle it”… Our son Charley was stillborn at 39 weeks April, of 2007. I’ll never forget the amazing spirit in our home the week...
It took me a long time to write this. It’s hard to write about big things (big things that are little), difficult to put feelings into words and convey them the way you want. Especially when those feelings are deeply personal. But I have talked with several people who were able to learn through my own experiences, and who were grateful that I shared my perspective on such an intimate issue...
Because my closest female relatives (mother and aunts) experienced infertility and extremely difficult pregnancies (my mom almost died due to pregnancy complications when I was 8), I was anxious from a very young age about what it would be like for me to have children. I ended up being very sick during my pregnancies, but not as sick as my mother, and I have not experienced infertility or infant...
I couldn’t have known. We had been married almost 3 years when we felt it was time to try to have a baby. We were living in a community where waiting that long must have meant something was wrong with us. Despite the questioning and wondering we could sense from so many around us, we knew that none of that mattered. We had an extremely long path of schooling ahead of us, but knew waiting...
What is hard about my experience with miscarriages and infertility is they feel like they sit in this ‘in-between’ zone. They feel ambiguous, and so it’s been hard sometimes to mourn them properly or express the feelings I need to express about them. I’ve had three miscarriages. They all happened between 6 and 10 weeks, the ‘normal’ time frame for a miscarriage. It really isn’t that long to be...
In August 2016, we found out we were expecting our first baby due April 12, 2017. Everything progressed well throughout the pregnancy and just before Thanksgiving 2016, we found out we were having a little girl. The doctors did monthly ultrasounds to closely monitor the baby’s growth and heart as I have an autoimmune disease called Ulcerative Colitis, and they wanted to be extra precautious. She...
I remember reading an article once about a woman who had recently lost her husband. She implored other women to stop bugging their husbands and children about their messes and annoying habits, because one day, you could yearn to have those messes and signs of life back. The other night after a hectic and stressful dinner time, I remembered that article and I stopped. ...
So, this may get long. I have been wanting to write this whole thing out for a very long time, but have never known what I was going to do with it if I did. There may be some that seems “off topic” but for me, its all connected. So, here is my story… I have never been one to remember my dreams, but when I was about 17, I had the same dream twice two consecutive nights that were...
Our daughter Sarah lived only 4 days. Though her life was brief, it was also beautiful, and it was miraculous. Her story starts back in early January 2014 when I found out I was pregnant. This was confusing to us because I hadn’t done IVF four times like we did with my oldest daughter, M. We took 7 pregnancy tests, just to be sure. They were all positive. My little miracle pregnancy...
[This story is told through a series of journal and blog posts] 1/16/2012 I am unsure of how I need to start this post: somehow, I feel I need to write it. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. If not for you, then for myself. For my posterity. For anyone who may need to hear it. Because I guess it deals less with fertility and more with matters of life and faith. In posts past, you may...
This is a hard memory to revisit, even though I miss my baby that I didn’t get to bring home every day. When you get used to the new normal, if you can even really call it “used to” something like this, it doesn’t make it any easier to dive deep into it. But I don’t want to forget either. As I read through my journal to prepare to write this, I came across something that I hadn’t thought about in...
Ever since I was little I hoped for a big family someday. I was one of 3 children, which was so much fun. My siblings and I were good friends and we had a great time together. I hoped for at least the same for my own children, but I dreamed of having 6 kids someday. When my husband and I started dating I learned he was one of 5 children. When things were getting more serious for us we started...
Miscarriage. Such an interesting word. The thing I hate most about it is the lack of “baby” or “infant” anywhere in the term. From a faith perspective, what does a miscarriage mean? If you believe in a life beyond, does that mean there was a baby that was supposed to grow but never really did, and you will see that soul in the next life? Does it mean that there was a perfect spirit, but the body...
I found out I was pregnant at the end of June 2019, about four days before we moved to a new house. I was excited but also really nervous about the pregnancy. I was sick the entirety of my first pregnancy and it definitely wasn’t the most fun experience. Everything seemed to be going well and I wasn’t nearly as sick as I was the first time around. So that made me very excited! We went in for our...
We got married a little later in life than expected. Because of this, my husband Byron and I knew we had a shortened time frame for having kids and we decided on 3-4 kids as our ideal number. After our first year of marriage, we decided to start trying. I knew that getting pregnant could take up to a year for some couples so I was prepared for that. I was pleasantly surprised when we got pregnant...
For me, one of the hardest parts of losing my baby was the guilt I had for not feeling deeply bonded tohim after he was born. Even typing the words brings an internal sting. Looking back, I can nowappreciate the fact that my brain at that time was much too stressed to process what I was feeling,especially given the traumatic, chaotic circumstances surrounding the birth. Perhaps I was too afraid...
Our sweet angel Olivia was born still on February 19th, 2019. Our story is not an easy one to tell, but I know that sharing it has helped me heal and has helped keep the memory of our sweet baby girl alive. Sunday night: It had been a few days since I had felt her kick. There were still movements going on, but they weren’t the same. I had felt distinct hard kicks…but not since Friday. I...
Sarah and Emily would turn 29 years old at the end of this year. I can’t believe it’s been so long. And yet I have never written down their story. For the first few years I tried to organize things in my head, but I always got too bogged down in the details and the grief. In these days of the COVID19 pandemic, I might never have told the story otherwise. In 1988, when my 3rd son Ryan was a...
It seems unfair to write when so many have suffered so much. But I will share. I was blessed with 6 beautiful babies. 4 girls and 2 boys. Our babies were all born within 15 to 18 months of each other. A day after I brought my 5th baby home from the hospital I started getting pain on my right side. I went to the ER and they took me to surgery for a suspected appendectomy but I didn’t get better...
Hi everyone! I’m Devin. I am one of the unique ones that have dealt with infertility my whole life. As an infant, I was diagnosed with Turner Syndrome. Long story short, I don’t produce eggs for reproduction. Honestly, growing up knowing this and up until I got married… I was pretty okay. It didn’t really affect me yet. I’m guessing because I was not sexually active...