In August 2016, we found out we were expecting our first baby due April 12, 2017. Everything progressed well throughout the pregnancy and just before Thanksgiving 2016, we found out we were having a little girl. The doctors did monthly ultrasounds to closely monitor the baby’s growth and heart as I have an autoimmune disease called Ulcerative Colitis, and they wanted to be extra precautious. She looked great every time! What a miracle and blessing to watch that little baby grow.
At the end of February, we went to my Grandma Fox’s funeral in Tucson, Arizona. Before we left, I had started itching badly especially on the palms of my hands and feet. While in Tucson, I received test results that I had a liver condition that can occur at the end of pregnancy called Cholestasis which is associated with stillbirth. I was able to pick up some medicine at a pharmacy in Tucson and after starting it, my symptoms went away. With the symptoms gone, in theory, I was no longer at an elevated risk of stillbirth.
After the service on Saturday afternoon, we drove back up to my parents’ house in Flagstaff. We planned to stay the night and drive the rest of the way home to Colorado on Sunday, but I woke up early Sunday morning to contractions. Then around 7:30am, my water broke. They admitted me to the hospital and said they wouldn’t prevent labor but hoped that she would stay put for at least 48 hours when the steroid for her lungs would take full effect. If she hadn’t come by Wednesday, March 1st, they would induce labor to avoid the risk of infection. So we were all just hanging out at the hospital waiting for this little diva to make her appearance. Everything looked good, and there was never any concern at any point.
“Thirty-four-week babies do great!” was the message everyone was giving us. Even when the nurse was having trouble finding her heartbeat late Tuesday night, I wasn’t worried. It had always taken a little time to find it. It wasn’t until the doctor came in the room shortly thereafter that I began to worry. He did an ultrasound and broke the tough news that our little baby’s heart was no longer beating. Mercifully the labor went quickly from there, but delivering a little, lifeless body was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. We stayed in Flagstaff for a few more days, and then returned to Colorado to bury Lucy next to her Aunt Liz in the Mesa Cemetery.
I’m learning that as we go through hard things, we very literally become more Christlike as He suffered all things. And hopefully we also become more Christlike as we take that suffering and try to be a little more compassionate and kind, and understand a little more of others’ pain. But only Christ truly knows what we are going through. And that is the true power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I’ve thought a lot of Alma 7:11-12 in the Book of Mormon, “And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.”
Every time my mind wanders and starts to play the dangerous game of “what if,” the words of Doctrine & Covenants 122:9 come clearly to my mind, “[Lucy’s] days were known and [her] years would not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what men can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.” What a sweet comfort that has been. Although, we were totally shocked and said, “What is happening? This was not part of our plan!” Heavenly Father never was shocked; He never said, “What is happening? This was not part of My plan!” He knows the end from the beginning, and our days are not numbered less. He knew just how long our sweet baby needed to be here even if we didn’t necessarily agree. I keep reminding myself that “God knoweth all things; and it sufficeth me to know that this is the case (Alma 40:5).” I am always amazed at God’s purposes. It is amazing to already see the power such a short, sweet life has brought. It will be neat to look back someday with an eternal perspective and see the many “evidences of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).”
Another thing that has been a comfort were the words of a dear friend. She said, “You’re the most selfless person I know, and I have no doubt that you would have volunteered to give a precious child a perfect body even with the sacrifice required! Your faith has been a powerful example to me more than once, and I know that you’ll see the beauty behind the sadness. Remember that you are loved and that this is just a separation of time. Families are forever.” I would have never envisioned myself volunteering for such a thing, so I was so grateful for her perspective. As time has passed, these words have come to me, and I think that if I knew another sweet little spirit needed a body, I would do it again. I have to keep reminding myself that mortality is so short.
Within minutes before the doctor arrived at the hospital, and we were still oblivious to what was happening with Lucy, we were having our little daily scripture study. We read in the Book of Mormon, not by chance I’m sure, Mosiah 24 where the people of Alma are supported in their afflictions and captivity. Little did I know how significant those words would become to me. “And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions (Mosiah 24: 13-14).” I have certainly felt that tangible support, and I know much of that comes through the kindness of others. We have truly been blessed by the knowledge and love of Heavenly Father through the power of the Holy Ghost and through the love and prayers and kindness of so many. I am so grateful.