I remember reading an article once about a woman who had recently lost her husband. She implored other women to stop bugging their husbands and children about their messes and annoying habits, because one day, you could yearn to have those messes and signs of life back.
The other night after a hectic and stressful dinner time, I remembered that article and I stopped. Before we had our oldest, Eliza (8), I would yearn to feed children around a full table. I would yearn to hear laughter and even fighting. I wanted messes to clean up and tears to be wiped away. The rest of the night I chose to stop stressing and simply watch my children. What miracles they are! Sure, they stress me out and make me feel like a crazy-person sometimes, but they are such gifts and our greatest treasures.
When I was in high school, I knew I would have trouble having children. Unlike my peers and sisters, my period was never regular. In college, I would tell my friends of my suspicion of my infertility and joke (kind of) that I would adopt as many kids as I could if I was not able to have children of my own. It sounded exciting to me to gather children from around the country or world to my loving home.
When I met Andrew, I let him know about my concerns about having children. He wanted me anyway! After we were married, we started trying to get pregnant very quickly after, knowing that it may take us a long time to get pregnant. Unlike what I had said in high school and college, we did not feel that adoption was the path we should take at that time.
When I got off of birth control, my weight began to increase rapidly and hair began to grow in unwanted places. My dad, a physician, suggested that I might have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), but quickly dismissed it. After looking up the details on PCOS, I quickly realized that I definitely had this condition. I quickly sought medical help.
So many doctors, so many suggestions! We were living in Provo, Utah at the time, while Andrew finished his undergrad and I taught 3rd grade. I first saw a nurse practitioner who prescribed metformin to me. With that, I quickly lost the weight I had gained. She also prescribed me clomid. After months of no changes in my cycle or any signs of pregnancy, we decided to see another doctor. This doctor used so many unfamiliar words to me, suggested I do something I was not familiar with, and promptly left. I was in tears on my way home! I didn’t understand anything she said and I had no idea what I was about to get myself into!
After frustrating procedures and more medicine, Andrew and I decided we needed to go to a specialty center and really figure stuff out. There we met some incredible doctors that looked into many different options for us. They even sent me home with a book called, The Fertility Diet. I read that book and followed it faithfully. My health was better, but my fertility unfortunately was not.
Our doctor finally suggested that we try IUIs, into-uterine insemination. With no success while living in Utah, we moved to Iowa City for my husband to go to medical school. Little did we know that the University of Iowa has an incredible reproductive and infertility program. We felt that this was a tender mercy from our Heavenly Father.
When we had our first appointment with the doctors, we had so much hope! We didn’t want to do anything we had already done, we were ready to whatever it would take, and we were ready to take more aggressive (and expensive) approaches. While there was more progress and understanding in Iowa, there was also a lot of waiting and negative pregnancy tests. I remember very vividly pleading on my knees often to my Heavenly Father, asking that I may one day be a mother. I had so much despair and heartache after each negative pregnancy test. The hormones from all of the medications didn’t help either.
Finally, we started doing IUI treatments. We discovered that with medicine, I was able to progress in my cycle, but I was never able to ovulate on my own. We started using ultrasounds to track my cycle and use HCG trigger shots, followed by an IUI. It was so helpful to use ultrasound and see what was going on inside my body! Until that point, everything was a mystery, and every attempt at pregnancy felt like rolling the dice.
After 3 cycles of IUI, we found out we were pregnant! We felt overwhelmed with gratitude and had a lot of disbelief. What if the pregnancy test was wrong and I got my hopes up? I protected myself against more heartbreak. Until we had our 20 week ultrasound, I didn’t allow myself to get too excited or think about the due date too much. It was a girl! What a miracle she was already! We hoped and prayed that she would be healthy. I was overly paranoid that I would do something to hurt or harm the baby.
Then, and even still now, I felt guilt as I rejoiced in my pregnancy, while my friends still yearned for what we now had. Why me and not them? I no longer felt like I was part of a group that I had so long been a part of. It was a strange mix of emotions as I transitioned to motherhood, emotions I was not expecting to feel. Joy and gratitude mixed with guilt and anxiety.
When Eliza, our daughter, was born we felt so much peace and love! We also felt overwhelmed and tired! How do we keep this baby alive and get sleep again? Will we be able to have more children, or was she our only miracle? We allowed ourselves to soak in our new roles as parents and love her dearly and not worry about the future too much.
We were able to have three more children through letrosol, HCG and ultrasound, and IUI, two of which were also done at the University of Iowa. They are each such miracles, and we are grateful to have daily reminders of the love and miracles provided to us by our loving Heavenly Father. His love and His timing are perfect, although we are not. I am grateful for the compassion and understanding our experience has taught us.