We got married a little later in life than expected. Because of this, my husband Byron and I knew we had a shortened time frame for having kids and we decided on 3-4 kids as our ideal number. After our first year of marriage, we decided to start trying. I knew that getting pregnant could take up to a year for some couples so I was prepared for that. I was pleasantly surprised when we got pregnant almost immediately after we started trying. I had a fairly uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery. My mom and two sisters were “fertile Myrtles” and got pregnant very easily, so I figured I was like them.
When it was time to start trying for another baby, we made sure we were very ready to have another child because we figured I would get pregnant very fast again. Month, after month, after month passed without a positive pregnancy test and I was starting to get discouraged. I talked to my sisters about it (each had 5 and 6 kids) and they were both able to get pregnant within 1-2 months of trying. One sister even said they could almost plan what month they wanted to have a baby. After about 5 months, I found out I was pregnant and breathed a sigh of relief. I ended up miscarrying that baby early on in the pregnancy. I went to the ER due to bleeding and the ultrasound showed a gestational sac and fetal pole but it was still too early to detect a heartbeat. The doctor told me to wait a week and then go to my OBGYN for a follow up ultrasound. LONGEST WEEK OF MY LIFE. I was stuck in a weird place between cautious optimism and premature grieving. My emotions were all over the place. When it finally came time for my appointment, my OBGYN confirmed my fears–I had miscarried.
I took it a lot harder than I thought I would. My mom gave me a framed quote right after I graduated with my Masters that said, “I can do hard things.” I loved that quote and began writing things on the back of the frame that I felt like were hard things that I was able to overcome. I added miscarriage to the list. I also wrote a quote on the back from Richard G. Scott that brought me comfort during hard times that said, “True enduring happiness with the accompanying strength, courage, and capacity to overcome the most challenging difficulties comes from a life centered in Jesus Christ. That takes effort. There is no guarantee of overnight results, but there is absolute assurance that, in the Lord’s time, solutions will come, peace will prevail, and emptiness will be filled.” That quote brought me a lot of comfort during the weeks and months following my miscarriage.
The OBGYN gave us the okay to start trying again as soon as we felt ready. So we started right away. Again, I was met with month after month of negative pregnancy tests. I could not figure out why it was so easy for me to get pregnant the first time around and why my body was failing me now! After about a year of actively trying to get pregnant, I started to get anxious that something was wrong. I had heard of secondary infertility but didn’t know much about it. I went to my OBGYN with my concerns about infertility and Byron and I started doing all the standard testing to figure out if there was anything going on that was preventing pregnancy. Everything came back normal which meant no answers. In other words, unexplained secondary infertility. We started talking about trying an IUI as an option. But first I did an HSG to check for possible blockages. My doctor even said that couples with unexplained infertility had a boost in fertility for the 3 months after the procedure. Well, we turned out to be one of those couples because we got pregnant immediately after I had the procedure. I was overjoyed but also very nervous about another miscarriage.
I had a lot more anxiety with that third pregnancy which never really went away until I was finally holding that perfect little baby boy in my arms. It’s amazing the healing that comes from a little rainbow baby. I loved my first little boy immensely, but I can’t even describe the depth of love and gratitude that I felt for that second baby after experiencing a loss and difficulty getting pregnant. A scripture that got me through that difficult time of trying to conceive was Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” I have always been a planner. I am very organized and plan things out MONTHS in advance. This experience taught me that there are some things that can’t be planned. There are some things that are out of our control. We just have to accept the way they are and trust that the Lord knows what is best for us including the timing of things.
We knew we wanted at least one more child in our family and, after our last experience, I was anxious to start trying again right away. At my 6 week postpartum appointment with my OBGYN, I asked if we were crazy if we decided to start trying to get pregnant again right away. She looked at me and said, “Yes, that is crazy because your body needs time to heal from your last pregnancy.” So we waited for what we thought was an appropriate amount of time to start actively trying again.
Fast forward 10 months and we are still trying to get pregnant. I am now considered to be of “advanced maternal age” and so we decided to seek help earlier this time–around the 6 month mark of actively trying to get pregnant. We had all the same infertility tests that we had before and everything came back normal except for one thing. My thyroid levels were off. I started taking medication to help with that and hopefully increase our chances of getting pregnant. I even had the HSG with high hopes that we would magically get pregnant after the procedure like I did the first time, but no such luck. We are right in the thick of things right now trying to figure out what to do next. There are so many factors that go into getting pregnant, fetal development, staying pregnant, and a safe delivery, that I realized that it truly is a miracle when all those line up just right and go smoothly. I think I took that for granted with my first baby. Babies are truly little miracles!
I think the hardest thing with dealing with secondary infertility is the guilt that I feel. I love my two boys fiercely and I am grateful every day to be their mom, but I can’t help but long for the baby I feel is still supposed to join our family. Well-intentioned people have said, “You have two beautiful boys and there are people who can’t even have one child. You need to be happy with what you have.” That hurts for me to hear, partly because I know it is true and partly because they have no idea of the pain and longing I have to hold another baby in my arms. I think, above all, this experience has taught me empathy. I have not lost a baby full-term or gone through years of unsuccessful fertility treatments but my experiences have taught me a little bit about the pain, suffering, and emotions that those women must feel as well. And that empathy has helped me to know how to better comfort those who go through similar trials.
I don’t know where this journey will take me, but I have faith that things will work out the way that they are supposed to as long as I put my trust in the Lord. If that means that eventually, we add another baby to our family, then great! But if it means that I need to come to accept the family I have now as complete, then I can do that as well. It will be hard, but I know I can do it because, as the scriptures say, “with God all things are possible.” (Matt 19:26)