What is hard about my experience with miscarriages and infertility is they feel like they sit in this ‘in-between’ zone. They feel ambiguous, and so it’s been hard sometimes to mourn them properly or express the feelings I need to express about them.
I’ve had three miscarriages. They all happened between 6 and 10 weeks, the ‘normal’ time frame for a miscarriage. It really isn’t that long to be pregnant and carrying a baby, you barely have time to get used to the idea. And yet I still felt each of those losses so keenly.
I’ve always wanted a big family. I dreamed about it from the time I was little, partly because I grew up in a big family. I have four kids, and to a lot of people that is a big family, but it’s not as big as the one I dreamed about. Each of my children were progressively harder to get pregnant with, but I still was able to get pregnant without any medical interventions. And yet, I still feel that loss. It still hurts that I can’t have the family I always thought I might have and it’s really been a struggle lately to have to accept that I might need to say I’m done having babies.
And so here I am. I don’t feel like I have a right to sit at the ‘infant loss’ table, because I never actually buried any babies. And I don’t feel like I have a right to sit at the ‘infertility’ table, because I have four children and was able to get them here with more ease than a lot of other people. Saying that I have had those struggles feels like I’m trying to take away from those who may have experienced more loss than I have. I don’t want to be disrespectful or hurtful or try to compete or compare my experiences to others. And I don’t want to sound ungrateful or that I’m not happy in motherhood, because I do feel so very blessed to have the beautiful family that I do.
But feelings are still feelings, and I can’t control those, just like I haven’t been able to control the size of my family or when I want to have a baby. And my feelings are still very poignant and real. All my miscarriages felt like a real loss to me, the last one I had was especially hard. And the desire to have more children but not be able to still feels very hard and strong to me.
That is why miscarriage and infertility and all those things can feel so lonely. They are all so personal and it can be hard to put those feelings into words…especially when you start comparing your experiences to others or feel afraid that expressing those feelings will be hurtful to someone else or make you sound ungrateful for the beautiful family and children you do have. I’m a writer and an expresser by nature and even writing these few paragraphs communicating these feelings have been hard for me to do.
A few weeks ago our family had an activity where we all drew a family picture. I drew my husband and I and our four kids in front of our house. And then I decided to draw three little babies, smiling, floating above the house. I’m not really much of an artist, but I was surprised how that simple act felt very healing for me. Being able to acknowledge those babies and make them part of my family portrait was a beautiful thing. We all can find ways to acknowledge those losses in our lives and have faith that in the end things will work out. I believe in a Heavenly Father who loves us and cares about us and I believe He knows our pains and our hurts. But I also believe that this life isn’t the end. And that many of the things in this life that are hard, or feel unfair, or are just plain cruddy will be made up to us. I don’t know exactly what that will look like for me and my mothering and my family, but I just don’t believe that someone like me who loves those babies and loves mothering will not get opportunities to have those things and experiences my heart has ached to have. And I know so many good women who I can say the very same thing about.
Creating a family is such a beautiful and miraculous thing, the reason it hurts so much when we find challenges in it is because of the joy and beauty we get to experience in it too. So even though the losses and feelings can be hard, I’m thankful for the joy and beauty and the goodness I’ve been able to experience too. Being a mother encompasses so much. It’s hard and it’s challenging, but it’s also rewarding and good and the most beautiful thing I’ve had the opportunity to be a part of.
