I found out I was pregnant at the end of June 2019, about four days before we moved to a new house. I was excited but also really nervous about the pregnancy. I was sick the entirety of my first pregnancy and it definitely wasn’t the most fun experience. Everything seemed to be going well and I wasn’t nearly as sick as I was the first time around. So that made me very excited!
We went in for our first ultrasound at 9 weeks. Everything had been going great with the pregnancy, with no weird symptoms or anything. After the doctor started the ultrasound, I knew within about a minute that something was off. At first the doctor pointed out the baby’s heartbeat but then paused and started second guessing what he had seen. He decided it was probably just one of my veins getting in the way and started talking like I had a miscarriage. However, he still seemed unsure and decided he needed a second opinion. An ultrasound tech came in to see what was going on, after looking for a minute or two, she concluded that it was a live baby, but I was only six weeks along. This was incredibly confusing because it made absolutely no sense. I voiced my concern about how that’s not possible, but the doctor kind of dismissed my thoughts and tried to explain what could’ve happened. He said it could’ve been a false positive pregnancy test, I could’ve miscarried without knowing and gotten pregnant right away, or there’s some type of growth issue with the baby. But I knew none of those were really the case because it just didn’t make any sense. I was then told to come back in two weeks to verify growth of the baby.
The next two weeks were probably the longest two weeks of my life. I didn’t know how to feel and I couldn’t grieve because maybe I was still pregnant. Time felt like it was ticking backwards those two weeks and to top it off I was still sick and having to take anti-nausea meds.
The night before our next ultrasound I couldn’t sleep and I was an emotional mess. I remember just crying and thinking how I couldn’t do this; I wasn’t strong enough to deal with this anymore. The next day we went into our next ultrasound appointment (I would’ve been 11 weeks along). We had a different doctor this time and I just prayed that whatever happened, I at least wanted everything to make sense. The second the ultrasound picture hit the screen we all knew I had miscarried. You could just tell from the ultrasound. I was heartbroken but I was also relieved because at least I had an answer. At least things started to make sense. I then had a D&C scheduled for the next day.
Fast forward several weeks to my surgery follow up appointment. Come to find out my pathology report came back a little bit weird meaning I had a partial molar pregnancy. Even though the doctor was very confident nothing would come of this, I was still required to do a blood test every month for six months. For the next six months, I went into the hospital to do a blood test and every time I was reminded all over again of my feelings and the pain I had experienced from this.
I had a couple people share their miscarriage experiences with me, but most of them were followed up by “it ended up being a good thing that it happened” for various reasons. I never once have thought that it was a good thing and that I was better off for it. I was so ready for that baby, the timing seemed perfect, and we were excited. But yet it still didn’t work out. And to top that all off I felt like the timing of it all just kept getting pushed back. For almost a year, I’ve felt like Heavenly Father is telling me to just wait to grow my family. I don’t know why and it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. But I can tell you that I’ve really had to trust during this whole process. I’ve had to trust in God’s timing, to trust in my body to heal, to trust in God’s plan for me and for my family, and to trust that it will all work out for the best. I still don’t have all the answers and I still don’t know how things will work out, but I know I’ve learned to give up control and I’ve learned to be more empathetic towards others.