Because my closest female relatives (mother and aunts) experienced infertility and extremely difficult pregnancies (my mom almost died due to pregnancy complications when I was 8), I was anxious from a very young age about what it would be like for me to have children. I ended up being very sick during my pregnancies, but not as sick as my mother, and I have not experienced infertility or infant loss. Although I miscarried many years ago, this year was the first time I really talked about it much. I think this is because I had a neighbor/friend who was open about her miscarriages and that helped. We have 5 children now, which is often a source of judgmental comments, and when I miscarried we had 3 young children. My husband Andrew and I tried to have our children close together (my closest age difference is 20 months apart), which also has led to some rude comments. These factors make it difficult for me to feel comfortable talking about my experience miscarrying. People discount the experience because of the family I do have–which, honestly, is completely understandable. My experience is not a fraction as difficult or painful as many many others’ experiences. I miscarried fairly early on in my pregnancy and because of this I felt like I should not feel sad, but I did feel sad. I felt very sad and lonely in my sadness.
So what did I learn? It is okay to be sad. Thinking you don’t deserve to be sad because your experience is not as painful or traumatic as someone else’s is not helpful. Sharing difficult experiences with sympathetic friends is healing. I do not feel like I personally say the right thing when someone is sad or grieving, but I do know that the one sister-in-law that said “I am so sorry for your loss” comforted me more than the many people who told me how lucky I was that it wasn’t worse. The experience only heightened my sense of the sacredness and fragility of motherhood. For me the best part of my mortality has been motherhood. As to my relationship with God, it is one of several personal experiences that has made me wonder how Heavenly Father or Jesus can truly understand problems that are uniquely female. Although I haven’t fully resolved in my heart some of these issues, I have without a doubt felt that God loves me and is with me. “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” Isaiah 41: 10