I have 4 living children, but have lost 3. The first one I was only 4 weeks and have tried to convince myself that maybe I wasn’t really pregnant.
The second miscarriage was horrific and completely life changing for me. I was 6 weeks (closer to 7) along when it happened. I was sitting at the table eating breakfast with my kids, it was roughly 7:45am. I had been having some stomach cramping when I suddenly got this sharp pain in my stomach and I felt like I needed to have diarrhea. (I’ve never had a problem talking about poop ) The cramping got worse as I was “sitting there” and when I was finishing up I noticed a smear of blood. I only ever saw it once though I went potty several times after that. I called the doctor crying hysterically and they said there was nothing they could do. So I decided I would “man up” and deal with this pain I was having because, well, miscarriages hurt. The pain got worse as the day went by. I felt like I was dying, but I was determined to tough this out. By about 10pm the pain was excruciating and my husband insisted we go to the emergency room. It was there that we discovered I had an ectopic pregnancy that had burst and I was bleeding internally. I was told I needed to have emergency surgery and have the tube removed. I protested, but was told if I didn’t I would not make it through the night.
I received a priesthood blessing of healing before I went into surgery and the surgeon happened to walk in on the end of the blessing. (This is where we received a miracle). They took me back to surgery to remove the tube and found that my tube was perfectly pink and fully intact (it had been completely healed!) They couldn’t explain it because not an hour before they had done an ultrasound showing the burst tube, which is why I was having the surgery in the first place. The surgeon found and removed the sac the baby was in as well as the blood that was pooling in my abdomen. After the surgery he came out and told my husband “looks like that blessing worked after all.” HUGE faith builder for me! They talk about medical miracles, but I never expected to be one!
Fast forward a week. I had my hcg counts tested 3 different times that week and my numbers kept rising instead of going down like they should have. I started having pain again like I did before my tube burst and on the same side (the left). I went in for an ultrasound and they found another baby implanted in the same tube a little farther up than the baby I had just lost had been. I had twins. I ovulated twice and this baby was a week behind, which is why they never saw it on the other ultrasounds. It was too small at those points to be seen.
It absolutely broke my heart into a bazillion pieces again. I had just lost one baby that I was mourning fiercely and now I had to lose another. My doctor told me I HAD to get a shot of high dose chemo to stop the division of cells… How could I do this to my baby?? I wanted both of them SO badly and I couldn’t have either of them.
I went in for the shot and tested 2 days later. The HCG numbers were still rising. Tested again the next day, numbers even higher. My baby was trying so hard to live despite the chemo. I was forced to get another high dose of chemo by both my doctor and my husband because if I didn’t this baby would burst through my tube just like the first one.
I have never hit rock bottom like I did during this time. I felt like a failure and a murderer. What I did about it is what has changed my life forever. I turned to the only person I knew could heal my hurt, Jesus Christ. Only through the atonement could I be healed. I chose to have faith in Him and trust His plan. How could I not?! I prayed constantly and begged for His strength. I have been given miracles, myself being one, and felt of His spirits around me, holding me up. Because I chose faith I have grown closer to my Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ and I can say with EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING that He LIVES! He is real! That the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is His true church.
I have received so many tender mercies at His hand and it is all because I turned to Him in my hour of need and have continued to face Him when all is well.
How has this affected me as a mother? I love harder and try to enjoy as many small moments as I can. This experience has given me more understanding of the hurt so many around me have. I can more easily feel the pain of other mommas who have lost babies and can sit with them as a support for their grief. I have learned that anger does not have to be a form of grief (or that it doesn’t have to last very long at all) if we choose faith. This experience has also strengthened my marriage. My husband and I chose to come together and support the other in our “hard days”. I have also learned that talking openly about it, though it makes others uncomfortable, helps to free me of the shame that would otherwise set in. Lastly, (not really lastly, but I’ll end with this) I have learned to accept everyone’s “helpful” advice, whether it’s truly helpful or not, because I know they are coming from a place of love and want more than anything to help the hurt.