Losing a child has always been at the top of my “unimaginable” list. I couldn’t comprehend what it would feel like, nor the type of strength it would take to make it through. I even frequently said, “I don’t think that will happen to me because God knows I couldn’t handle it”… Our son Charley was stillborn at 39 weeks April, of 2007. I’ll never forget the amazing spirit in our home the week...
It took me a long time to write this. It’s hard to write about big things (big things that are little), difficult to put feelings into words and convey them the way you want. Especially when those feelings are deeply personal. But I have talked with several people who were able to learn through my own experiences, and who were grateful that I shared my perspective on such an intimate issue...
Because my closest female relatives (mother and aunts) experienced infertility and extremely difficult pregnancies (my mom almost died due to pregnancy complications when I was 8), I was anxious from a very young age about what it would be like for me to have children. I ended up being very sick during my pregnancies, but not as sick as my mother, and I have not experienced infertility or infant...
I couldn’t have known. We had been married almost 3 years when we felt it was time to try to have a baby. We were living in a community where waiting that long must have meant something was wrong with us. Despite the questioning and wondering we could sense from so many around us, we knew that none of that mattered. We had an extremely long path of schooling ahead of us, but knew waiting...
What is hard about my experience with miscarriages and infertility is they feel like they sit in this ‘in-between’ zone. They feel ambiguous, and so it’s been hard sometimes to mourn them properly or express the feelings I need to express about them. I’ve had three miscarriages. They all happened between 6 and 10 weeks, the ‘normal’ time frame for a miscarriage. It really isn’t that long to be...
I was once told that my heartache is big, but my bravery is much bigger. I didn’t believe it until now. It’s been two months since I was told there was no heartbeat, but I’ve been told that three different times. I’ve had to walk away from a “baby checkup” three different times knowing that I wouldn’t hear their heart beat again. I’ve had to be...
This is a hard memory to revisit, even though I miss my baby that I didn’t get to bring home every day. When you get used to the new normal, if you can even really call it “used to” something like this, it doesn’t make it any easier to dive deep into it. But I don’t want to forget either. As I read through my journal to prepare to write this, I came across something that I hadn’t thought about in...
When my husband and I were told that we were not able to have children on our own, there were a flood of emotions that took over. Disappointment, sadness, incompetence, grief, uncertainty. Those are just a few. I remember thinking, “now, what?” I think that when we think of experiencing grief, it is when someone we love dies. At least, that’s how I always thought of it. I didn’t realize that I...
My son’s death has been my defining moment. It has been amazing to me that just the few short days of his life have made such a difference for so many years and all the years of my life. Samuel was fine when he was born, but stopped breathing for an undetermined reason a few hours later. He was revived and brought to the Provo NICU, where they could not find anything wrong...