After we had William (our third) I had 2 miscarriages back to back.
The first miscarriage, the day we found out, I knew, I had a feeling that something wasn’t quite right… and in asked my husband Luke if we could wait to tell anyone (not normal for us…. we were the type to shout it out from the roof tops). We lost the baby a few weeks later at 7 weeks.
About 10 months later we got pregnant again, this miscarriage was much harder on me. I took the test and because I was hesitant I wanted to wait to tell anyone till I went to the doctor. I made the appointment, went in, had the ultrasound and there it was… little sac and baby, and we heard the heartbeat. I cried, I was about 8 weeks. The doctor said everything looked good, ordered blood work and wanted me to come back at 12 wks. At the next appointment we heard the heartbeat again and the doctor ordered blood work again. I left that appointment feeling so excited, we called everyone we knew and loved and told them the good news. About a week later I got a call from my doctor and they said they needed me to get my blood drawn again. I went in and got my blood drawn and didn’t think anything of it. A couple days later I got a call from my doctor and she asked me if I could come in that day. This appointment was different, I had my kids with me and she began telling me that my numbers had dropped drastically, that I was losing this baby… she took me into the ultrasound room and I didn’t understand… it looked the same to me. She wanted me to have my blood drawn again to make sure and we scheduled another appointment for the end of the week. We met in her office that time… she told me that I had lost the baby, and that my body should pass the baby soon. We scheduled weekly blood work, she explained to me what I should expect, and told me what to look out for just in case I needed to go to the ER. We scheduled a few weekly appointments. I can’t remember If it was one week or two weeks that passed and nothing happened. I was still nauseated and in my mind maybe everything worked itself out and everything was going to be ok. At my next appointment she talked to me about a D&C and that they would need to get it scheduled if nothing happened again. Over the next week it happened exactly how she said it would. I was alone with the kids that week because Luke was traveling for work. I can’t remember where he was, Colorado or southern California. We had decided he would still go on his work trip because In my mind I already experienced one miscarriage, “it wasn’t that bad, just a heavier more painful period”. — I don’t think either of us thought it would be much different.
My friend Landon dropped by un-announced to stop something off for us, she knew Luke was gone and wanted to bring me a soda and some chocolate. I was an emotional mess and in soooo much pain. She must have seen the cereal boxes on the counter and the mountain of dishes in the sink, I know it was Heavenly Father sending her as an answer to one of my prayers. She knew, she had experienced a few later miscarriages herself. She stayed and played with the kids, took them on a walk, and then her and her husband took them out for dinner and brought me home some food. She offered to stay until Luke’s flight got in the following evening.
I remember crying to Luke in one of our conversations about it, that I didn’t want to get pregnant and go through that again.
A couple years went by and I got pregnant with Savannah. I cried (deep, ugly cry) at every doctor appointment when I heard her heartbeat, and during both ultrasounds. Luke and I talked and agreed that she’d be our “last” and the second they put her on my chest I had a dream like vision (it was fast!! But soooo clear) of another little girl that was waiting. And I knew we weren’t done.
I’ve always loved being pregnant, everything about it. But after she was born my perspective changed with every sleepless night, any and every time she cried I was overwhelmed with love and gratitude that she was here! That she was healthy! I remember I’d sing “Good morning beautiful” to her every night she’d wake up for feedings and every morning when she’d wake me up.
We now have 7 kids and I almost feel guilty that I didn’t have the same perspective with my older 3, I didn’t savor everything the way I have since those miscarriages. Being a mom is still hard and I definitely have my days that are crazy hard… for the whole family, but I’m so grateful.