There are few decisions I’ve made in my life where I can truly say “This was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.”
I have a “rare” condition called vaginismus. I say rare in quotations because there are women out there that have my problem but don’t talk about it with their physicians or families because it’s too personal, and therefore there are not a lot of statistics about vaginismus. In February, my husband and I were talking about our feelings in regard to this trouble we have been having with not being able to conceive. I was trying to tell him that I felt like I was the only woman in the world going through this problem. Then I had a thought come into my mind. I felt strongly that I needed to go see a professional psychiatrist or counselor. Conveniently enough, I was going home to California in March to visit family and remembered that there is a member of the church in my parent’s stake that is a psychiatrist. I knew this man growing up and felt inspired to make an appointment to see him. So I set up the appointments and e-mailed him some background information on vaginismus so that he could be prepared.
The appointment started with the usual small talk, and then I asked: “Brother Georgiana…have you seen many cases of women with vaginismus?” And to my relief he responded “Yes! I’ve seen such cases.” I was happy to hear that I wasn’t the only one going through this. We chatted some about how I’ve been dealing with things and then he stopped me. He said “I know what your problem is. In fact,…you’ve got two problems.”
Problem #1: I’m trying to live up to everybody’s expectations. In the LDS world, families usually start having children a couple years into their marriage. Well…we’d been married 4 1/2 years and still had no children. He helped me see that I was afraid of what people were thinking about me…which is usually one or two things: they’re putting children off till they’re more established, or they must be having trouble and don’t know how to get pregnant.
I asked him what I should say when people are pushy or inappropriately ask awkward questions about when we are going to have children. His response: Have fun with it! He told me to answer the question with humor, but also to make it awkward for them so that they’ll never ask you or anyone ever again.
For example: “When are you going to get with the program and start having children?” The response: “I don’t know what the problem is. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for a long time. We have sex 23 times a month and we still aren’t pregnant. There are times where I just can’t keep my husband off of me…” I don’t know if I’ll be able to be that bold, but the answer I usually give is “We’re trying, and when the Lord is ready to give us a child…He will give us one.” I’ve learned that I can give that answer with confidence and peace rather than shame.
Problem #2: I’m trying to control this issue! He hit it right on the nail! I am a person that likes to have things in my control. I like things planned and organized. I have not had success in overcoming vaginismus because I’m trying too hard. Sometimes it just isn’t what Heavenly Father has in mind for us right now. True, there are times when we have to work to receive a blessing, but that assumes that it is the Lord’s will for us to receive that blessing. If it isn’t the Lord’s will for me to have a child right now, no amount of effort on my part will make that happen. I’d be much happier to find joy in other ways in the meantime until He sees fit to grant me that blessing–if and when that is His will.
So, Brother Georgiana’s suggestion: STOP! Stop trying to control the situation and don’t be afraid of what others think. He helped me remember that I have a good marriage and counseled me to take advantage of that. He suggested that I enjoy this life that I’ve been given and be happy that I’m healthy, my husband is healthy, and my marriage is strong and that we have family and friends that love us no matter what. He encouraged me to travel and strengthen my relationship with my husband and family and to enjoy this beautiful earth God has created. He also stressed that the Lord loves me for who I am and my struggles. He assured me that once I live life to the fullest then the pressures of life don’t seem to be so heavy. The Lord has a plan for me, and if or when he’s ready to give us a child…it will happen. I have to stop trying to tell the Lord what His plan is for me.
This challenge has proved to be a liberating experience. Seeing a counselor was one of the best decisions I could have made in my life. He helped me understand the Lord’s will for my life. I hope that my experience can help someone realize that Heavenly Father wants us to be happy regardless of our circumstances. He has helped me do so and I am very thankful for that. He has given me life and I will strive to enjoy it as much as I can.