After my husband & I had been married for 3 years and moved across the country, we decided it was time to have a baby. We tried for a year, with no success. At that point, my OB gave me a few different options to pursue that might increase our chance of pregnancy. I sat in my car after the appointment as my thoughts wandered to some of my dearest friends who were caught up in the emotional, financial, and physical throes of a million different infertility treatments. I didn’t want to join them. I didn’t know if at that point in my life I could handle the stress of actively pursuing answers about my empty womb. I finally decided that I didn’t want to try any medical interventions to get pregnant until after my husband completed his doctorate program in 3 years. I felt emotionally safe with that decision.
Another year passed with nothing to note — still no baby, but we sure were enjoying our child-free life. Then, I found out I was pregnant. We were so happy!! At 9 weeks, I miscarried that pregnancy. We hadn’t told our families that I was pregnant yet, so it was incredibly difficult to let them know what was going on. I found out that two of my closest friends were pregnant around that same time — and both of them were due the same week that I would have been (one with twins). I hadn’t ever felt any negative emotions towards infertility until that point. But it seemed like my dreams had been ripped away and I had these three beautiful baby girls that were going to be part of my life for a long time to always remind me that there should have been four babies born that week.
The next year brought no baby still, but it did bring me several unique opportunities. The things that I was able to do would not have been possible if I were pregnant or had a newborn. I have no doubt that there was a reason I still had no children. I am grateful for the vision, the compassion, and the talents that I learned about during this time.
About a year after my miscarriage, I found out I was pregnant again. This time, it stuck and it was HARD. I couldn’t even be happy that I was pregnant because I was so miserable. My little miracle girl was born 4 weeks early after 2 months of “limited activity”. We were so thrilled — but I quickly found myself burdened with crippling postpartum anxiety and depression. This was not the transition to motherhood I had envisioned for myself. I didn’t think anything could be worse than being pregnant, just like I thought nothing could be worse than not being pregnant. Boy was I wrong!! I understand where the saying “the grass is always greener” comes from 🙂
It took me another year to work through my mental health issues with the help of SO MANY people. And then I had a toddler and infertility felt like a lifetime ago. I feel like infertility and loss has shaped me into a more compassionate and aware person. Sometimes I don’t feel like I should even be lumped into that category — so many people have experienced longer & harder things. It’s taken me a long time to realize that there doesn’t need to be a comparison competition. I feel like as long as we learn from our trials and share our love & understanding with others, it doesn’t matter who had it “worse.” As we share our unique stories, we spread that love and knowledge and sisterhood — and that is what matters.