I babysat my life away as a young teenager and loved every minute of it. While attending high school I became interested in child development and worked in the high school’s in-house daycare everyday after school; eventually becoming the Home Economics Sterling Scholar for my studies in child development classes and my work at the daycare. I was an Elementary Education major in college, and a nanny for a family with 8 children of various ages during the summer months . I’ve always loved children from a very young age, and it was while being a nanny for that large family that I firmly decided that I wanted a large family too, and would only marry a man who was okay with at least 8 kids of our own.
It’s cliché to say, but life rarely works out the way you plan.
It was an intense point of argument when we were engaged, but my husband and I didn’t use birth control when we first got married. My mom was only able to have 4 children, but I was part of a large, religiously conservative, Latter-Day Saint, extended family where children were abundant. Birth control was more than frowned upon, and besides, I wanted lots of kids so I didn’t feel I had time to waste. I was almost certain I would have a baby right away and be on my way to a family with 8 children.
Months went by and then years, and I still wasn’t pregnant. I was concerned then, but not panicked because I was young and naive. I was new at this baby-making thing. I trusted that God was in charge and when it was time for me to have a baby, He would make it happen. Besides, I was so busy being newly married, taking care of my grandmother (we lived in her basement), getting a college degree and holding down a part time job, that I was somewhat grateful that a baby hadn’t come right away. At year three of marriage I was thrilled to finally take a pregnancy test that was positive.
Pregnancy was a challenge. I was sick the whole time…endless nausea. I became very adept at finding strategic places to vomit up my breakfast and then lunch while doing my student teaching. No sooner did I start feeling better than birth happened. It was not a good experience for me. The birth was long and traumatic, and afterward I suffered from severe postpartum depression that lasted many, many months. I adored my new baby daughter, but needless to say, after all that, I wasn’t anxious to hurry and have another baby. I worked hard to justify my first use of birth control. I felt conflicted about it, but there was no part of me that was worried that I wouldn’t be able to have another baby when I decided it was time.
It wasn’t until my daughter was a little older; after I decided that it was probably time to bring another little one into our family, that infertility became a true reality for my husband and I. I feel like it came out of nowhere and it was quite consuming.
Most couples that try for children know the roller coaster feeling of trying to get pregnant. Up-down, up-down you go. The metaphor is overused, but that’s because it’s so accurate a description. I can’t even count the number of pregnancy tests I took. Each month I had the deep-down feeling I wasn’t actually pregnant, but hopes ran high regardless, and I just couldn’t stand one more day of not knowing. Then of course I would come crashing down when the test read negative, and the cycle would start all over. I don’t know why it never occurred to me to go see a doctor? Again, I just trusted God and his timing.
After 3 long years of emotional rollercoaster riding I’d finally had enough and I decided to seek medical intervention.
Now…when I write about this, I’m keenly aware that I’m luckier than many, many couples that struggle with infertility. My visits to the doctor were few and mostly painless. Discovering what was wrong with me (I wasn’t ovulating) was a relatively easy discovery…one test for me, one for my husband…done. The solution: Clomid pills. Easy-peasy.
I remember reading up on Clomid before my doctor prescribed it. One of the common side effects was twins or triplets. I asked the doctor specifically about that. I wasn’t thrilled with that idea. One baby was hard enough! He said I didn’t need to worry. Twins were rare for those using Clomid. So I boldly went ahead, filling my prescription on the way home.
I remember the night I took my first dose. I sat there with the little white pills in my hand, staring at them, all kinds of emotions coming up. I didn’t want to think about it too hard, or let my worries get in the way. I knew I wanted more children. I knew I did not want my daughter to be an only child. I loved my siblings, and I also remembered my dream of 8 children; so down the hatch went those little white pills. I got pregnant very quickly. I think it only took one month, one round of pills. And yes, we were very excited! The roller coaster riding was over. My daughter would have a sibling.
At week eleven I went in for a routine checkup. The doctor did some measuring and asked, “how many weeks along are you?” I told him. Then he said…and I will never forget this sentence as long as I live… “you’re measuring 14 weeks. Let’s get an ultrasound cart in here.” He didn’t say it outright, but I knew instantly. I was having twins. (Insert shocked emoji here) Yep, sure enough, two heart beats, two babies. Clomid had done its job and more.
Again, my pregnancy was really difficult. I was sick again and more tired than I have ever been or ever will be. At 20 weeks we found out we were going to be the parents of twin boys. It was a both difficult and exciting time for us. At 34 weeks I was found to have pre-eclampsia and a c-section was scheduled. The boys were born 6 weeks early and spent 7 days in the NICU. When I brought them home I could never have known that I would never again experience pregnancy, or bring a new baby home from the hospital.
Life with a 5 year old, new born baby twins, and severe postpartum was extremely difficult. I would have to say it was the hardest time in my life. I felt ungrateful as could be. I was so overwhelmed, so depressed and anxious, struggling to get out of bed each morning, and I couldn’t figure out why. I had what I wanted. We had tried so hard for so long to get another baby and now we had two. I felt I should have been overjoyed and I wasn’t. Not for a long time anyway.
That hard time passed, as all hard times do, and I found myself getting into the swing and the joy of raising three children. Eventually the gratitude came and I was so in love with my little twin boys despite their excessive energy (that is and understatement) and their wild antics.
Because I had twins that were quite challenging, and because my postpartum was so extreme, it was a long time before I felt the familiar twinge that it might be time to think about another baby. But here’s the thing…that desire for 8 children that I had in my youth…that was completely gone. I knew deep down deep that getting pregnant, being pregnant, and postpartum were not easy for me. My lot in life was not going to be what I had always hoped it would be. There was for sure some grieving at the realization that I wasn’t in control of this part of my life, but I wasn’t as upset as I thought I’d be because the whole process of baby having had turned out to be much more difficult than I had ever anticipated. There was an unexpected feeling of relief that accompanied the disappointment. 8 kids seemed like a lot at that point!
For 3 years after the twins were born, I used birth control, and then I felt that I might be ready to have another baby. But, this time I knew in my heart of hearts that I would not take any special measures to bring another baby to our home. If I couldn’t get pregnant naturally, I knew I wouldn’t force it. I know some women feel strong feelings that another child or two is waiting to come, but I didn’t have those feelings. I knew in my heart I was willing to have more if they came, but I also felt okay, that the family would feel complete if no others came.
We never used birth control again and I never was able to conceive naturally. Problems developed with my menstrual cycle and after 10 years I had a hysterectomy. That closed the door once and for all on the reproduction part of my life. Surprisingly, I felt completely at peace with it. I would often think about couples I knew who had much more of a challenge than we ever did, and I let my heart be full of gratitude that with all the struggle, we had the three children we did. I’m so glad my boys were twins. Without more children following them, they had each other, and that has been wonderful.
There has always been a small part of me that ponders what my life would have been like if conception, pregnancy and childbirth had come more easily. I marvel at women who have that story, but it wasn’t mine. What I learned from all of it was that there is so much in life that we cannot control. Making plans is okay, but learning to roll with reality is extremely important…vital even. God does have a plan, but it’s rarely what we expect.
When my boys were 4 years old we got a little Golden-doodle puppy. I wanted a dog for the kids, but she ended up being my little blessing in disguise. I believe women have an innate pull to nurture something small and helpless, like a baby. Having a dog has not been quite like having a baby of course, but in a small way she has been an outlet for that kind of energy in me. That may sound strange, but it’s true. And now my oldest daughter is getting married. I don’t know what the adventure of reproduction will look like for her, but I am looking forward to grandchildren.
My backyard neighbor has had 5 children in 7 years. Her children are adorable and her life is full of the crazy chaos that you would expect it to be. I do the dishes and look out my window, watch her with her children and marvel that each woman has a different experience and a different journey. I have learned to honor that reality and value my own unique journey and the lessons I’ve learned along the way.