When we found out we were expecting our fourth baby, we were very excited! At 11 weeks along, I felt cramping and experienced bleeding. I made an appointment with my doctor and an ultrasound was performed. I was told to go on bed rest. This was terrible news because I had other very active, young children at home. We kept monitoring the baby’s growth and, during one of the ultrasounds, found out she had gastroskesis—a condition in which the umbilical cord herniates from the baby’s body and exposes the GI tract to the amniotic fluid. We were referred to a neonatal specialist in Provo which also work with the top pediatric surgeon for gastroskesis in the country. The specialist said gastroskesis is very rare and is seen usually in first pregnancies or teen moms. The doctors we saw also made it seem very easy and manageable with the baby spending about six weeks in the NICU following a surgery shortly after birth, and then we could take her home. We continued to monitor the baby every week and found she was doing great and growing ahead of schedule!
The pregnancy itself was very hard on me. I was always tired, worn out, and unable to stand longer than 5 minutes at a time. It was very physically demanding. However, on December 17, I felt great! I had so much energy I even stayed late at work to finish some things up. When I got home from work, I had received a Christmas card from a friend who lost her baby the previous summer. She had described her experience of knowing the baby was gone by not feeling any fetal movement. I then noticed that I hadn’t been feeling my baby when she would normally be active. I had mistaken contractions for movement and really started to pay attention. The previous night her movements came at the normal times, but wasn’t near as strong as it had been before. Panic started, but Ron wasn’t home yet from running some errands. I put the kids to bed and as soon as Ron came home we asked around for a neighbor to come to the house and went to Utah Valley Regional Medical Center to get an ultrasound.
We sat in the waiting room for what seemed like forever. I was nervous and kept thinking that they didn’t realize how serious of a situation I felt this was and they needed to admit me. After they took us to a room and I changed into a gown they tried putting a monitor on my stomach to monitor the baby’s heartbeat. The nurse couldn’t find the heartbeat with that monitor so she got an ultrasound machine. I had seen enough ultrasounds to know what I was looking at too. The nurse said I’m not seeing what I’m looking for, so I’m going to go get the doctor on call. The doctor came in and did his own ultrasound. All he said was, “I’m so sorry.” We couldn’t believe this. We had been given such good hope that everything would be fine. She was growing so well. They told us everything would turn out fine. This was hard to handle.
Our normal doctor was on vacation so he said we could wait a week to induce, but we just wanted this to be done so we decided to induce without him. We went home that night to make arrangements so we could go to American Fork to deliver. It was a sleepless night, but we felt at peace being home. When the kids got up for school we sat them on our bed and explained why Mom wasn’t at work. We told them their baby sister had died. She wasn’t coming home and had gone back to live with Heavenly Father. They each understood in their own way what had happened and they were sad. Grandma Jorgensen drove down to be with them while Ron and I went to the hospital.
We were greeted with nurses that were so kind and caring. We were put in a room tucked away in a corner so we wouldn’t have to be around other expecting mothers. They hooked me up to IVs and pitocin and waited for the contractions to start. In the meantime, we called close friends and family to tell them the news. The hospital staff helped us start working through things we never thought about–funeral arrangements, how to work with the children and family, and how to expect the loss to go. We were touched to know several eagle projects had been done for families like us. Teddy bears had been donated for siblings of children who have passed. Hailey has a white one, and Sam and Adam have a tan one. They are our “Brenna Bears” and are a placeholder for her. Each child was also given a blanket donated to the hospital. We never thought about how the children would struggle with it, but it was sweet to know others had thought it through and were there to help.
During the delivery there were ups and downs. There were times when Ron and I would cry and times we could talk and laugh. After a while I started to feel pressure, so the doctor and nurse came to deliver the baby. It took three pushes and Brenna was born at 9:43 p.m. on December 18, 2013. She weighed 4 lbs. 5 oz. It was so different because all my other babies had cried; this time it was silent. The doctor and nurse didn’t say anything; they just wrapped her up and put her in my arms. Because Brenna had passed away they couldn’t wipe away the vernix all over her. A woman who specializes in cleaning babies who pass away would come in to clean her up later.
We got to hold Brenna. We were alone with her for quite some time before a woman came in prepared with clothing and blankets. She took hand molds, pictures, foot prints, hand prints, and hair samples and created a box of physical memories of our short time with Brenna. I fell asleep because I was so exhausted from a sleepless night and giving birth. I wanted to spend every possible moment with her, but I couldn’t stay awake. It pained me that what little time I had with her I slept through. I knew that later I would regret having slept through any part of the time I had with her, but I could not stay awake. We loved her and held her and kissed her and cried over her and then we all went to sleep for the night.
The next morning, I called and asked my dad to make arrangements for the funeral home to take her. He said they’d be there in an hour. I had a hard time with that because I didn’t want anyone taking my baby away from me. The nurse said, “Nobody is taking your baby until you’re ready”. But an hour later Ron called the funeral home saying, “Where are you? You need to come.” Brenna’s body was quickly starting to deteriorate.
I waited to be discharged from the hospital until Hailey was done with gymnastics that night. She came and had dinner with me at the hospital and then we went home. We showed Hailey, Sam, and Adam, our boxes with the memories of Brenna. We gave them their teddy bears and blankets, and they loved them. Grandma Jorgensen stayed with us a couple more days. We had many friends and neighbors drop off flowers and dinners and offer to do anything that we needed. We had a friend come over and offered to do the funeral flowers for Brenna. Our Relief Society President had also lost a baby so she just came over and cried with me. She was able to be very helpful in making funeral arrangements for the service and lunch afterwards.
The funeral was on Dec 23, 2013. When we woke up that morning, it had snowed. We felt that was a sign from our Brenna because snowflakes were our family “thing” and everything was so peaceful and so white. We knew we felt her closer. The funeral and viewing was an open house format at the church. We were given a half hour before it started to be alone with Brenna. Her hands were so soft and so small. We had many close friends and family come to share their condolences. All of Ron’s scouts came and so did my administration and a couple other teachers from my Timberline. Both of Brenna’s grandpa’s served as pallbearers for her casket.
We transported her to the cemetery. Grandma and Grandpa Brickey came from out of town and got lost on the way so we had to wait to do the graveside service for half an hour. We were all standing in the snow while they tried to find their way there. Brenna was buried in Lehi City Cemetery in the children’s section. She was the first one to be laid in that area.
We have since gone back to visit her many times. We first went back as a family and built her a snowman with the snow that she had sent us. We have always tried to make it a happy time when we visit her. In every season we have done something – we fly kites, have picnics, play baseball, soccer, ride bikes, and we decorate her grave marker. We’re always interested to see who a new friend is that moved into the neighborhood.
It was very hard on me after her loss. I struggled with depression and anger as part of the grieving process. Each of our children handled it differently. Hailey loves knowing she has a little sister. Sam is most sensitive and prays for her daily that Mom and Dad will be comforted and will be able to hold Brenna again. Adam knows he has a sister living with Heavenly Father. Ron supports me whenever I feel sad and I miss her.
For her first birthday, we went to her grave with balloons and had cupcakes with snowflakes plastic rings on them. We lit candles to sing happy birthday and then blew them out. We opened a present someone had given us – an ornament with her name on it for our tree. We went out and had dinner as a family. Her siblings loved it. We felt a lot of anticipation to make it a special and happy day because we knew it would set the tone for the rest of the birthdays. On Christmas we went to visit Brenna and gave her a Christmas gift with a tree..
We are appreciative of people who remember Brenna. The gifts, cards, texts, emails, and prayers on our behalf have been appreciated. They are meaningful and memorable to us.