It was an early spring day that I found out I was expecting a new baby. After nine months of trying to get pregnant, I could not believe my eyes when I took my pregnancy test. The next few months were the hardest that I have had being pregnant. I was constantly nauseous, and I got really dehydrated. For some reason, I told hardly anyone I was pregnant for a long time. Even though I had been puking my guts up for almost a month and a half, it did not seem real until I went to the doctor.
The most exciting news we received was that we were having a boy. I went into the ultrasound by myself because my husband David, was at work. The ultrasound technician was going along when out of nowhere she said that we were having a boy. When she found out that I only had girls she screamed with excitement along with me. I drove straight to David’s work after the appointment and showed him the ultrasound pictures. You should have seen the smile on his face. If you want to know what a happy daddy looks like than you need a freeze frame of that moment.
As the pregnancy continued the kids became more and more interested in Baby Emmett. Ella constantly asked me “what’s baby Emmett doing?” and I would tell her he is dancing, he sleeping, or he’s rolling over. Ella loved to feel my belly and even though Emmett hardly ever kicked her, she always thought he did. Occasionally, she would get talking to him. “Baby Emmett” she would say, “What are you doing?” She was so excited to have a little brother.
Being the little sister, Elena would copy everything that Ella said. I really don’t think that she understood about baby Emmett but she would talk about him anyway. The only thing that Elena picked up on herself was calling my belly button the “Baby button.” She always wanted to see the baby and beep my “Baby button.”
“Remember the “Kicking times” with joy for the life that was there.” Emmett was always a very active boy in the womb. Although I didn’t notice him near as much during the day, he did his nightly aerobics right when I laid down for bed at night. One night I laid down and could not feel him moving. He just laid there. It took me over thirty minutes of bugging and poking him for him to finally move. Because of this night, I went to the hospital to have him monitored. Once they started monitoring him he never took a break again.
The last few weeks of my pregnancy were a struggle for me. Between my belly growing bigger, the baby kicking, and small contractions, I was very uncomfortable. After a day and a half of having contractions at home we went to the hospital to be monitored. I had contractions for two days straight but it was on the third day while I was at work that my contractions got unbearable. We went to the hospital and within an hour they let us know that we would be doing the C-section that day.
The day had finally come. We were so excited. Not long after going into surgery, they pulled out our beautiful baby boy and showed him to us. While I was in recovery they came and told me that the baby was doing great but he needed some oxygen. It was then that David went and spent time with Emmett and took pictures and videos. It was not five minutes after David came back to recovery that they came with the report that the baby’s heart had stopped beating. The wonderful staff of the Eastern Idaho Regional Medical Center (EIRMC) NICU worked as hard as they could, doing everything imaginable to save little Emmett. I will never be able to express how grateful we are for the amazing knowledge and courage that those doctors and nurses showed trying to save our baby boy.
There came a point that there was no longer anything that the doctors could do. Emmett was not going to make it. It was then that we got to bring him to our room. No one will ever know how grateful I am that I got to hold my precious baby at that time. He was so beautiful! A member of “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” came and took some amazing pictures that we will cherish forever. We got pictures of people holding him, bathing him, and him on his own. The volunteers from this organization are simply marvelous. I will never forget all the things they did for us.
For a long time, I wanted all the answers. I wanted to know exactly what happened and how we could have saved Emmett. There had to do be something I did wrong. On my quest to find answers, a wise doctor sat down with me to go over test results. He told me that although they would do everything to determine what happened there comes a point when we have to move forward. We have to start healing.
Just like healing from any injury, your heart needs time to heal from loss. At first it might feel like you will never be you again but in time you will heal. Do not let anyone tell you that things won’t get better because they will. I would not say that the grief ever completely goes away but it does become manageable.
The most important advice I can give to anyone who loses someone they love is to remember them. Celebrate their birthday. Remember them on holidays. Tell stories about them with your family. Even if the memories are before your baby was born share the things you remember about them. By remembering them we keep them in our lives.
When we are grieving it is our first instinct to isolate ourselves. I think that we do all need some time to ourselves to process, but let your friends and family be a part of the healing process. The first few weeks after Emmett passed away I had some wonderful neighbors and church leaders that picked me up and took me places. A great way to heal your heart is to exercise it. Show love to others. Find ways to serve others.
One of the things that helped me the most was my faith. No matter what you believe, find something to have faith in. Whether it is Faith in a loving God or faith in the loving bond of families, find something that you can cling to in the moments when you feel lost.